“Sorry” Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Stop saying:
“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry but…”
“I’m sorry you are feeling this way.”
while conveying an apology.
When we unintentionally hurt someone we love and care about, we often tend to apologize as:
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.
I’m sorry but… (explanation or defense)
(Or just) I’m sorry.
Unfortunately, these are not healthy apologies.
Often, we apologize as a quick fix for the undesired situation that neither resolves the root cause nor makes the other person feel heard or seen. It’s like giving a candy to silence a crying kid without understanding the reason for the cry.
A plain “I’m sorry” holds no accountability.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling this way” is even worse! We’re not here to apologize for their feelings. We’re here to apologize for our own actions. Since we are not educated on emotions, this sentence is being thrown around as if it was “kind and empathetic” yet feeling sorry for someone else’s feelings is just throwing the ball to their court and again, not accountable at all.
In life, all emotions should be welcomed and honored. Anger, hurt, joy, ecstasy…
And when we’re confronting an unintended and unwanted impact of our behavior, we don’t need to show remorse or feel/say sorry to acknowledge and honor the hurt we caused.
Hurt people do not care if we’re sorry or not.
They do not need our defense or explanation.
They just need to be heard, seen, and accepted in their hurt.
They need us to understand why they got hurt by our behavior.
They need us to confirm that we understand what caused the hurt and that we are willing to behave differently in the future.
What we need to do is listen without taking it personally, with no need to defend or explain our intentions, and then convey our awareness of our impact on their hurt.
A sincere and healthy apology should contain:
• Accountability -> owning our impact
• Empathy -> how we relate to their hurt
• And willingness to show up better next time.
While offering a sincere and healthy apology, try sharing:
• What you are sorry for
• What you have realized and learned
• And what you will change to not cause hurt on the same topic again.
Instead of explaining or defending yourself simply try showing them you can put yourself in their shoes, understand what they might be going through, and do better next time.
